Dealing with Disclosure

Ann Martin
​MSW, LCSW, PLA Board Member

Disclosure can be a hurtful and/or healing in the sexual addict’s relationship. There are ways to go about disclosing to one’s partner the secrets, lies, deceit and betrayal. One way has potential to bring healing down the road and the other way can continue to traumatize the sex addicts’ spouse over and over.  

I have worked mostly with the wives of men who are sexual addicts. When the spouse first finds out that their husband or wife have been acting out sexually outside their marriage, there is the “blindsided effect”. The spouse may have had thoughts that their marriage is struggling, but thought it was something else, usually never cheating. The betrayal of finding out that your spouse has been sexually acting out with pornography, prostitutes, co-workers, or other forms is such a blow to the marriage they thought they had, the marriage they wanted and hoped they would have with their spouse.  ​

​Many spouses feel trauma in the initial discovery of the sexual addiction, and then the trauma may be repeated as they learn the ways their partner has and will lie and cheat to continue the addiction. Disclosure needs to be done well and correctly to limit the depth of the trauma. When a disclosure happens outside a professionally trained counselor’s office, it usually ends up with more traumatic events for the spouse.  

The initial discovery often comes outside of professional counseling, but a full disclosure should always be done with a professional counselor. Preferably the sex addict’s counselor and the spouse’s individual counselor in one room. This has been the best scenario for healing that I have been personally involve in and found that it can lend itself to be a healing cornerstone in the sex addict, and their marriage.  ​

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