I wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husbandHave you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend? Six weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from work My husband is a sex addict - now what? Pastor's Wives Shouldn't Share Their Secret Pain...Should They?I Was On My Knees Asking God For Strength... How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him? When my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to me I Didn't Understand The Cycle: Things Were Going So Well, And Then... Can my story have a happy ending? It's Different Than Being Married and Then Finding Out...
I wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husbandI wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husband. Was that normal for mid-life? I was too embarrassed to bring it up with my friends. Have you ever wondered or talked to God about things that you felt were not right in your life, but could not share these thoughts with anyone else? The answer I got to that question from my husband was, "It's not you! It's me!" So what did that mean? So I had a conversation with my God.
The answer came. I'm not sure how much time had passed before I got my answer, but in November of 2004, I had the answer. My husband read me a letter about his sexual addiction to pornography. He told me that the years he traveled out of town, his time alone was spent in motel rooms with pornography videos and acting out sexually. He also told me he wanted to quit and had been struggling for four years to quit on his own. This had been a guarded secret that he had not wanted anyone to find out who he really was.
So now I had my answer. I was relieved to know. I felt all the walls that had been building up between us over the years come down. I was hurt, sad, but knew I could go on. My walk with the Lord was strong and he would help us through this. After all, it was the Holy Spirit that convicted my husband four years ago after going to a men's retreat. That was when his struggle began to try to quit on his own. I had not understood at times when he'd say, "How can Jesus love me?" Now I understand his distress. What about me? What do I do? How do we change this? Can he just quit? Who do I talk to? Who can I share this with?
I shared this with our Women's Minister at church. We would talk and pray together, but she didn't have answers I needed. One day, she handed me a letter sent to her by Pure Life Alliance. It was about a class that would provide information about my husband's struggles. I called the voice mail number. The person who contacted me was helpful and reassuring. I wasn't alone any longer. I went to the Hidden Hurt class and I became informed. I was surrounded by other Christian women who could support me in this struggle. I learned about sexual addition, codependency, forgiving, and walking the journey with God. It was a place I could share with a small group of women who were like me. I didn't want this to end. Long term small groups were formed that year. It is a weekly commitment I still make.
My husband and I are still on this journey. God is our refuge. He holds us up when we fall. We have also sought professional counseling to help us sort through the years of addiction. We are building relational and emotional intimacy back into our marriage. Our groups hold us accountable and give us support, a safe place to share our struggle with others that are on the same journey. We are not alone. I can now say "May the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21). God's answer was not what I wanted, but it is to "Praise Him" for the growth of faith he brought to us in this journey.
Have you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend?Have you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend? I did. I even asked my husband - somewhat jokingly - if he had a girlfriend where he traveled for work. He was horrified and said absolutely "No". So, I believed him.
Deep down though, I had a feeling something was not right. However, I put on a happy face and forged ahead in our marriage - raising our 2 young children. I was scared, what if it was true - how would I raise the kids? What would other people think?
I was relieved to discover it was not a girlfriend, but "just" a pornography addiction. When I caught him on the internet - I felt betrayed, angry, alone, and quite simply stunned. I prayed a lot. My husband told me he loved me, it wasn't anything to do with me - all him. He asked me to not tell anyone, that we could work through this together. He said people could not find out - it might affect his job.
Wanting to be respectful - I kept quiet. But this only made me feel even more alone; I wanted and needed to talk to others, but I was scared and embarrassed. About 6 months later I caught him on the internet again - this time I was furious. How could he lie to me AGAIN. I felt so betrayed and unloved. I knew I had to get help, even if he did not want help or want others to know. That week I made the scary phone call no one wants to make, I called A Hidden Hurt.
I will never forget how much it hurt to talk to someone about the pain I had been experiencing, however I was amazed at the tremendous burden which had been lifted. It was not a secret anymore. I was getting help. HH taught me how to get healthy - to control what I can control - myself, my boundaries and my reactions. It is scary, but if you are feeling ashamed, alone, angry, scared...make the call - God wants you to be happy, to feel loved, and most of all - to make the best of your situation. A Hidden Hurt will walk this journey with you.
Six weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from workSix weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from work. He would come in the door harried, as if the wind had blown him in. He would always say the same thing "I'm so sorry, I lost track of the time." I didn't think too much of it until one evening when I planned a special dinner. I had the table set, got dressed up, and waited... When he came home late he was not interested in me or in eating. He barely said a word all night and was quite cold and distant.
It was very painful and a couple days later I asked him what was going on. He then spilled the story. He had been staying late at work to look at (and masturbate to) pornography on the Internet. I was crushed and felt so betrayed. He had broken his wedding vows just six weeks after we were married! He had chosen these other women over me.
Even before I married my husband, he told me about his "struggle" with pornography. To me this meant an occasional temptation and one that I assumed most men struggle with. I had no idea the breadth and depth of the struggle or how it would impact my life.
I called a good friend for prayer and encouragement, but instead was met with anger towards my husband and with her telling me that I was being abused. While he definitely made some bad choices, my husband did not deserve this attack. And me, while I was hurt and betrayed I did not feel abused. My friend did not understand. This made me feel so alone and I certainly wasn't going to open up to anybody else!
Over the next 9 months, my husband continued to view pornography and to tell me that it didn't mean anything. They were just pictures and I should stop punishing him by all my crying. I sunk into a deep depression, gained weight, was irritable to everyone, and felt so isolated. I was going through a nightmare and one that I couldn't talk about with anyone. My friends and family were worried for me, but I still didn't feel that I could tell them what was going on. I thought that I was the only person I knew who was going through this. I thought it was all my fault. I was confused, hurt, and angry.
I finally went to a crisis counselor who told my husband that I was in clinical depression and that it was because of his behavior. The counselor told him that he needed to get help. For the first time he saw how his behavior was affecting someone else, and someone that he loved!
He began seeing a counselor that specialized in sexual addiction and he began meeting weekly with a friend for accountability. About two years later, my husband found out about FMO at a men's retreat. He started attending and that is when real change started to happen. He started building deep friendships with guys that he could be honest with, he started to find victory over sin, he started finding other healthy (and non-sinful) ways of coping with stress, boredom, and tiredness. Not only that, but he kept telling me how sorry he was for hurting me and he thanked me for not walking away.
I realized that his struggles with sexual purity were not my fault, that nothing I said or did could control his behavior. I learned to pray for him when I wanted to nag him. He later shared with me that this allowed him to own his recovery.
One day he handed me a flyer for A Hidden Hurt, a class that helps the partners of those who struggle with sexual purity. At first I was intrigued. So there are other women who are in my shoes? Other Christian women! Then I felt like running. Did I really want to deal with my hurt? Could I really share my story to strangers? It took me a year to get enough courage to attend the 11-week class.
When I did attend the class I found that I was no longer alone. A huge weight was lifted! I could share my story with others who wouldn't judge my husband or me. Instead, I was completely understood. Not only that, but I learned about how men are wired, about how I can stay healthy as I cope with my husband's struggle for sexual purity. It helped me to understand my husband and myself better. It allowed me to heal and find my own victory over a broken heart that had grown hard with anger.
I am so thankful to A Hidden Hurt and I would like to encourage you to find the courage to attend. You will be so glad you did! You may even find that the Lord will bring you to such a place of healing that you can turn around someday and help other women find the same healing. God is in the restoration business and he wants to see you find healing and He wants your partner to find victory over sin!
My husband is a sex addict - now what? My husband is a sex addict - now what? So, I now know my husband struggles with pornography...what do I do? Part of me feels like this is HIS issue, HIS problem...so he should deal with it. But, I am so hurt and alone. I truly did not understand sexual addiction and was tired of feeling alone. I called A Hidden Hurt and felt understood.
A Hidden Hurt has taught me what sexual addiction is, what I can do for myself, what I cannot do for my husband (control him or his actions), and most of all, HH has provided a safe place for me to talk about my feelings. The other women in my group either know first hand what I'm experiencing, or can definitely relate to my feelings. I'm not alone. I am becoming a person who looks to God for all her strength and happiness.
Pastor's Wives Shouldn't Share Their Secret Pain...Should They? It is not easy to put my story up here for all to see. Women often want to guard and keep private our marriage and husband's flaws. But that urging is even stronger for me because my husband is a pastor. Somewhere along the line you pick up that it is not the pastor's wife's privilege to share her husband's flaws. While pastors have experienced a call to ministry, and they may have a certain set of spiritual gifts...they are still just human beings, flawed, struggling, seeking God's heart and desiring God to change and perfect them as the years go by. I know that now.
Though brought up in a strong, Christian home my husband was sexually abused when a child. A friend - I use that term loosely! - later introduced him to masturbation when he was 15. In the mid-90's we got the Internet, and just like they said in that Oprah episode, the Internet is the crack cocaine of pornography. A couple of years later my husband started seminary and the pressures of ministry preparation, strong feelings of inadequacy ("Do I really have what it takes?") and the daytime schedule flexibility lead to escalated acting out.
From early in our marriage 15 years ago he told me this was a struggle area, THE struggle area; and periodically over the years confessed to me bits of it. I grew up in a home where there was pornography so the parts he shared with me seemed "normal". But I never understood the severity or pervasiveness. Just before his graduation he knew in his heart that his struggle had become an addiction - no longer something he could control but something that controlled him. And, even in the midst of the craziness, he knew the awful impact his sin could have on a church and ministry if it got further out of control and he was in a position of leadership.
A counseling professor who gave his "bad habit" a name - sexual addiction - referred him to a therapist and suggested he would need to wait out at least a year to pursue ministry...if he could ever pursue it at all. It finally hit me: what had a hold of him, how deep it was, and the potential cost to our future. I had just spent 15 years supporting my husband through two educational degrees with many sacrifices along the way, and we were about to lose the future we had planned since our first date. I was speechless. (Can you be furious and speechless at the same time??) But I was also bound and determined that we would fight, I would stand by his side, and we would win. (That's the nice side of it. The other side was, "I will fix this!")
I was encouraged to attend a support group for wives of men struggling with sexual purity. I did not want to go - pastor's wives don't talk about their problems - but shoved my feelings down deep and went just to make some other people happy. In God's timing and plan, I ended up in a group of 10 women, 8 of whom were ex-pastor's wives. They were either ex-wives, divorced because of their husband's behavior or ex-pastoring, having lost their vocation due to their husband's behavior. I was the only one still married to a pastor and still in vocational ministry. God seemed to be speaking very loudly: this was a place for me, and there was more hope in my situation than in many others. And so I submitted to His very clear message and continued meeting with these dear ladies, learning from those who had been down the road before me. Despite their circumstances, God had given them peace, joy and wisdom, which I needed a whole lot more of. I am grateful for the knowledge and grace bestowed upon me by the leaders, and the community of women in my group that taught me so much about dealing with this issue in our marriage and my life.
One of the exercises in the group encouraged us to let go of the man we thought we had, and begin to accept the one we truly have through a Goodbye Letter. By the time I wrote mine, we were far enough into the process that I was GLAD to be rid of the inauthentic, artificial guy I thought I had and GLAD to have the authentic but imperfect man I live with today. I would like to share my letter with you, to "pay it forward" and share some hope with you, like others provided it to me (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). Your husband, marriage and you can get better. Please think about joining a Hidden Hurt group to receive hope, help and healing...even if you are a pastor's wife.
I resolutely wave goodbye to the man I married to climb on a strong but battle-scarred horse with my tarnished and embattled knight. The road ahead is full of danger, evil and attack but we have faith, hope, love...and weapons to battle.
You see I don't want the man I thought I married. Though kind and gentle, he was also weak. As my husband has grown into a strong, biblical leader and man, I am scared, frustrated and frequently annoyed at my loss of power and control. But I also feel growing relief and pleasure at being loved, cared for, and lead.
In the last years my husband has slowly grown into a man of strength and leadership. While it has caused much friction in our marriage, it is good and mostly healthy as he learns to have opinions, the freedom to express them, and sometimes to act. But his battle for purity has been at a whole new level. It has inspired me. I have never seen such discipline and stick-to-it-iveness in him. He is determined to submit to God and overcome. And he has experienced a great deal of freedom, now years, of purity.
And there is an upward spiral: as energy is freed up from unwholesome things, it does not dissipate. My husband has chosen to divert it to grow stronger and more involved in life: more help in the home, increased passion and commitment for his work, family and ministry; a care and investment in his spiritual growth and physical body. He is being rebuilt à la Hebrews 12:1, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" and Philippians 3:14, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward." It makes my heart beat fast.There will be long, dark forests in front of us, I know. Battles to be fought, especially in my life and mind. We are still wounded, not fully healed. There are still bags of rocks to be tossed off our horse before we can truly ride free.
But we have hope, courage and some experience. I believe we will ride on together, and we will reach the Golden City one day.
I Was On My Knees Asking God For Strength, I Knew Something Was Coming But I Didn't Know How Bad It Was Going To Be.My husband and I have been married for 14 years now and it was during the engagement process that I learned of his struggle with pornography, but at the time it was under control. I honestly didn't think much of it; coming from a non-Christian home it seemed normal. It was when computers came into our home that it became a struggle for him again. He confessed to me once in awhile that he had looked online. I knew it made me feel like an object, but I didn't know what to do about it. We limped along in marriage for about 10 years then came to the conclusion we didn't love each other any more. We discussed divorce and I was making plans when he came and said "Let's try going to a counselor." I went, but didn't have much hope. It was through that process that the confessions started coming.
At first he shared only that he had been visiting strip clubs over the last three years. I went into a rage, slamming doors and swearing like I had never done before. Soon I asked the question, "Is there anything else I should know?" The answer was no. I was so hurt, I went into the spare bedroom and journaled and cried. I kept getting visuals of how movies portray those clubs and I started thinking of questions to ask: Had he touched them? And had he been touched? The next night I asked those questions. The answer was yes. I was devastated. I had a good friend who gave me the advice that I needed to know what was bottom; I couldn't keep getting hurt with little confessions each day. So I called him at work and told him we needed to have a talk that night. He called back and said he was bringing our dear friends with him. For the next two hours I was on my knees asking God for strength, I knew something was coming but I didn't know how bad it was going to be.
The three of them came into the house together, we sat in the living room and my husband read the list of the things he had done. He had viewed pornography on the computer for many years, visited strip clubs in the last 18 months, paid for oral sex and within the last year had six encounters with prostitutes. Questions started flooding my head: Where was I? What was I doing that I did not know these things? The crying soon ended and the numbness began.
Somehow I got through the next few hours and I took it a day at a time. I started seeing a Christian counselor who deals with sexual addicts and who has this as part of her story. I started my own healing journey. I joined Hidden Hurt and as hard as it was to go through the door of the church that Monday night, it was the best thing that I could have done. I finally felt understood, I was with women who knew what I was going through and they offered their support and friendship.
How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him?How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him? I discovered my husband's pornography addiction and was horrified. I thought we had a great marriage. Sure we had our disagreements, but we enjoyed each other - we talked - we laughed - we had 2 kids.
Dealing with his porn addiction was difficult. I felt fat, not pretty and inadequate. How could I ever let him see me naked? He's probably comparing me to "them". Does he even love me?
I called A Hidden Hurt and felt safe and understood. I was able to share my feelings with other women who knew exactly how I felt. I felt so relieved to have other women to pray with me.
And then the bomb hit. My husband had not told me "everything". Not only did he have a porn addiction, but 2 years earlier he had an affair. Talk about my world crashing down. I was shocked - hurt - furious - disappointed - felt abandoned; how could he betray our marriage vows "physically" not just visually.
Words cannot begin to express how grateful I was to be in a group when my husband fully disclosed his story. HH provided the encouragement and support I needed when I felt hopeless and scared.
This was a journey I did not think I would ever have to endure.
My husband is in an FMO group - and together we are both working towards trust, love and honesty. It sounds weird, but I'm actually glad this has happened to us. Because of his addiction, we are now open and honest with each other. There are no secrets. I'm learning to trust him again. We are learning how to love each other even more. We are learning how to look to God for strength and guidance. Do I wish we could have all this trust and honesty without sexual addiction...absolutely! But, A Hidden Hurt has provided a safe place for me to learn, grow, cry, laugh and most of all - have hope for my future.
When my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to meWhen my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to me. Everything was going so well with us - we were newly married, and I had known about his previous struggles before we were engaged. My husband had been involved in FMO for several years and was leading a group - a testament to God's healing in his life. I was sure I would be out of place with women who had experienced the pain of betrayal.
However, even though things were going very well, in the back of my mind were unanswered questions, which I wasn't sure how to deal with. I would wonder what he had done (he had shared categories but not details - which I am grateful for now, because I won't have those pictures in my mind forever). I worried that he might choose his old lifestyle again and end our marriage. I felt guilty for even thinking these thoughts when he was doing all the right things. Most of all, I felt alone with a secret which I didn't know how to share with anyone else.So, when the opportunity for me to join a group of women on this journey came around again, I took it - as much out of curiosity as anything else. But it wasn't easy at first. I heard stories of women whose marriages did not make it, or whose husbands lied to them for decades. While there was hope in Christ, there was also a lot of pain and anger - and here I was, the young, innocent bride who had actually chosen to walk this path! I became angry after small group - angry with "the men" and angry at my husband for seeming to sympathize with men who would do such horrible things.
After the first couple of weeks, it was so distressing that I decided to stop going, because I felt like I was adding tension to our marriage unnecessarily. I was sure my husband would understand and support my decision to quit, but he asked me to keep going - both for myself, and for him, so I could understand his issues and how to support him through them. I have to admit that took me aback a little - I thought he would be happy to end my bitter rampages, and I had always thought I was going for myself - the fact that it was helpful to him had never occurred to me.
So, I continued to go, though it still wasn't easy. However, I learned a lot. I had a place to ask questions and to get wise counsel. I was able to share my fears openly, and be vulnerable with other women who trusted me with their stories. I also began to realize that my angry responses to other situations came out of my fear about our situation and that attending my group was actually helping me process through these hard feelings before they settled into a bitterness that would erode our marriage.
As time went on, my husband did occasionally have slips, which was devastating to me, because I really had put my hope in the idea that he was all better. Often times, it would occur when I would be out of town at a women's retreat or helping with high school summer camp - "good" things that I should be able to do without worrying what he was up to. That really hurt - I felt like I had lost some of my freedom to do what I wanted without fear. I didn't understand why he would turn to something he despised so much when things were going so well. I was, however, so grateful, to have a group of women to share this with and to have a place where I could cry, be confused, be angry, or just quietly listen where I would be accepted, understood, not preached at, but loved.
Through A Hidden Hurt, I have experienced authentic community, seen God work in amazing ways in my life and in the lives of others. I have learned practical tools on conflict resolution, setting boundaries, avoiding co-dependency and enhancing sexual intimacy that have helped my marriage. Most importantly, I have seen God use me to support and encourage others just as I was encouraged four years ago. I would tell any woman who is in a relationship with someone who struggles with sexual purity - especially those who don't think they need to come - to come and engage on this difficult, yet rewarding journey.
I Didn't Understand The Cycle: Things Were Going So Well, And Then...My husband told me about his struggle with pornography when we got married but I didn't know about the cycle of addicts.
What once was a struggle with looking at magazines at summer camp turned into long-term sexual addiction that had escalated to visiting prostitutes. It was a week before our 10-year anniversary that I heard it all. I was devastated, but God was with me: I felt His presence with a strength I had never felt before. I went through Hidden Hurt, my husband became the man I had always wanted, I felt adored and loved for the first time in our marriage. I felt like we were on the road to full recovery.
It was 18 months later that he came to me again confessing a recent visit to a prostitute. This time my reaction was much different. I had faithfully prayed, "Lord, protect my husband." Now I felt betrayed by not only my husband, but also by God too. I felt even more alone than I had last time.
At the time I was attending Western Seminary, and met with a couple of my professors during this crisis. I confessed that I didn't feel like praying. I questioned God and what the point of prayer is. Those amazing, patient, Godly people came around me and supported me. It has been a little over a year now and I am finally feeling close to God again. I don't know what changed in me to make me desire to pray. Maybe the realization that God allows us to make choices and unfortunately sometimes others' choices hurt us.
My husband and I are still together, this time I required him to see a counselor and have an accountability partner. We are both on our own healing journeys and as we become the people that God created us to be; it is easier to be the husband and wife that God requires us to be.
Can my story have a happy ending?Some of you reading this may be wondering - can my story have a happy ending? I wondered that too. At one time, my husband was unwilling to get help. I have also felt the loss of church and family support, and have even spent several years as a single mom while he was in prison for his actions. Yet, through all of this, God miraculously has given my husband and I a happy ending which was better than I ever imagined.
My husband was abused by neighbor boys at a young age over several years. As a result, he struggled with masturbation and same sex issues most of his life. His main areas of struggle were magazines and the internet. He knew he wasn't homosexual, but his only experience had been forced or self satisfaction.
We were married in 1992. I knew of his struggles, but was willing to work on them together. We had our first child in 1995, but just a year later, I discovered pornography. My husband was unwilling to change or get help. At that point, I enlisted his family and had a meeting to confront and demanded he get help, or I was going to take the baby and leave.
I started one-on-one counseling with a Christian therapist, and joined a women's only support group (much like HH). He did one-on-one counseling with a Christian therapist and joined a For Men Only support group. We had regular family meetings to establish boundaries at family events, report regularly on counseling and our recovery, and have an additional layer of accountability.
By 1998, when we had our second child, we were both co-leading support groups and well on our way to recovery and healing. We both had a strong sense of God leading us to serve in this needed ministry to men and women struggling with sexual purity.
Things were going well, but then our world changed drastically. In August 2001, there was a police investigation into an incident many years prior. By December my husband was in prison. Sure, we could have hired an expensive lawyer and avoided prison, but God had clearly shown us that His Grace is not just being forgiven for sins, but having to go through the consequences. We entered this season having faith that all things do work together for good, and the assurance that God had ordered our steps before we were even born (Romans 8:28 & Job 14:15-17).
He was released four years later, but not able to live with the family for nine months. Even in prison, he continued his recovery and healing, and had the opportunity to share his faith and healing with other inmates and guards.
While he was away, I went through the grieving process, came to a conscious decision to stay married, and to keep working on my own issues as a codependent. I faced loneliness, and was abandoned by both my family and our church. However, in the midst of these challenging times, God provided a new church and new church family who came alongside the kids and me to replace the loneliness with God's acceptance and love. I was able to lead women's bible studies and show God's love to families of those with incarcerated husbands/fathers. I was also able to learn humility as I had to ask for help and accept it. I came to understand first hand what James meant when he said "consider it all joy when you face trials" (James 2-3).
Both my husband and I know that God still wants to use us in this ministry. My husband is ready to start leading an FMO group; I want to lead a women's group; we still check-in every single day - are we sticking to sobriety lines? Are we meeting with accountability partners? How are our boundaries? Are we being vulnerable to each other/God? Are we being honest with each other/God? Are we spending time in God's word?
I could go on and on how God's hand has been with us each step of the way; I know that it is God's providence that mine is a story with a happy ending. I want to share my story, my experience, and my hope with hurting women to encourage and lift them up - to say, "Yes!! Yours can be a happy ending too!"
It's Different Than Being Married and Then Finding Out...It amazes me how God works in our lives. A year ago I can honestly say I did not know there was something called sexual addition. Sure I knew about porn and so on but it was something I had never exposed myself to (still have not) or thought much about. That changed when I met my fiancé and we started to become friends. He was up front with me from the second time we hung out, three months before we started dating. When we started dating he handed me a HH card and said, "For when you are ready." This was the beginning of my education on this topic. Since then God has brought two women into my life that I have given HH cards to. The things I have learned in HH Welcome Group and Ongoing Group have enabled me to minister in ways I never could have imagined otherwise. The fact that their faces almost light up as if to say I am not alone in this, when I tell them I know what they are going through and that there is help for them, not just their husbands or boyfriends. It's been pretty cool and I know God is only beginning!
My fiancé and I have both been praying about how God will use this in our lives. The way I see it is that God brings something like this into our lives, how on earth do we use it to glorify him? It is not only my privilege, it is my duty to obey Christ and to have Him show me where to serve. I have prayed and the peaceful confirmation that only God can provide tells me to move forward, keep taking the steps to serve Him in this capacity and He will be there guiding. So the journey begins and I am excited to see what God is going to do. Again, I stand in awe.
My relationship with God is first and foremost in my life. I read His word daily and I talk to Him throughout the day. I am not perfect (or even close to it) but I strive to live Christ. Meaning my words and actions match. My sole purpose on this earth is to glorify God in every single aspect of my life. It's that simple. Easy to say but it will take me a lifetime to even scratch the surface. When all is said and done and as I stand before God the words I love to hear is "well done my good and faithful servant."
My situation is different than being married and then finding out. The commitment level is different, however the willingness to learn and to "take this on" is the same as standing by your man. The biggest difference is that I could walk out at anytime and there is no mess really for me. WE have no joint anything, yet. However, since I am marring the guy that will change. God is a God of grace and I choose to have faith, an open mind and not reject him. I admit, though, that if he was not well into recovery I would so not have dated him let alone allow myself to fall in love with him. I am signing up for a lifelong commitment to help him in his recovery as well as a lifelong commitment to our relationship. The difference is that I am going in eyes wide open. Sometimes I think I am nuts but after talking to God I am reminded of the sacrifice God have to have a relationship with me, His only son. Helping the man God has put in my life through his addition is certainly helping me become more like Christ. Is it scary, yes, do I worry about what if, yes. But I also know him and his heart to heal and to be a man of God. I also know that there is something bigger than all of this, a loving God who will carry me/us through the good times as well as the difficult times. It is through the difficulties of life that God can use to impact others. That is what I have found with sexual addition. So many people are affected by it, whether they are the addict or are married to or dating an addict or recovering addict. God has given me the ability to come along side a woman and say there is hope, there is healing and the journey will be long but it is worth every step you take. He takes something horrible like a worldly view of sex and can use that to lead others into a relationship or into a deeper relationship with Him. Again, I stand in awe.
I am excited to see how God will use us both through this. God can take anything and use it for His glory. What a gift we are given when He chooses us to help Him. What a mighty God we serve!