When we got married we were pretty naïve about sex. No one at home, school, or church had given us any instruction. Yet, we went off on the honeymoon expecting everything to just “work out.” Little did we know that we had lots of mistaken notions about sex many of which had been modeled to us both consciously and unconsciously. Mark, for his part, was hoping that now that he could have “regular” sex, all of his struggles with lust and sexual temptations would be over. Since we had waited until marriage to be sexual, that was a logical assumption.

Over the years of our marriage we have found that sex is so much better today than ever, but along the way we have had to confront a number of sexual myths that were inside us. In this article, we’d like to share what some of those myths were about male sexuality. Some of you may still find inside your head so see if any of them sound familiar to you. As you read, ask yourself if these myths are not, in fact, beliefs you may have learned from the people and culture around you but aren’t really true.

1. Men want sex and women want to talk. One author has said that sex is “his” main need and talking is “her” her main need. To believe this reduces men to only being sexual and women to only being talkative. This myth, along with the others, will result in men and women feeling they are in separate camps, enemies if you will, with competing needs. Is it really true that men don’t like to talk and that women don’t like sex.
   
   The truth is that both men and women like sex and that intimate communication is a fundamental part of being “ready” and able to have sex.


2. Men always have higher sex drives than women. This is related to the first myth. Sex drive in both men and women really varies and is related to so many factors. There is cultural learning that we have received. Some of us were sexually abused in some way as children or adolescents. Medically, both men and women have testosterone in their bodies and the level of that can really vary based on our genetics. It can also vary particularly as we get older. In our experience and according to some research, some men have lower sex drive for one of these reasons and their wives have a higher one. Given the myth, the men who have a low sex drive and the women who have a high sex drive may think they are really strange. Feeling that leads to sexual shame.
   
   It is true that sex drives in men and women vary. Couples need to work together to arrive at a level of sexuality that is comfortable for them.
   
   
3. If men don’t have an orgasm every 48-72 hours, they won’t be able to stay sexually pure. One popular series of books about “everyman’s” battle with sex advocates that women should realize how much men struggle with sex and that it is their obligation to help them by being regularly sexually available. We know this one too as Mark had learned this popular cultural belief and used the argument frequently in our early days.
   
   It is not true, however, and is based on faulty scientific thinking. A man’s brain always adjusts to whatever is put into it. The brain chemistry that is created by sex can create a “tolerance” effect. The more sex a man (or woman) has the more the brain will adjust to it. A man who comes to expect sex at a certain frequency will always want more eventually.
   
   It is not true either that a woman has control over her husband’s sexual purity. That is way too much responsibility for any other person. Yes, there are incredible sexual temptations in the world. Today, through accountability, there are many ways that any man can learn to withstand those and lead the life that God calls him to lead. Being that man should be based on emotional and spiritual health. We find that men who demand sex are really hurt and angry about a variety of issues all of which can be dealt with in healthy ways.
   
   It is true is that a man and woman’s brain expects sex, according to the original settings put there by God, one to two times a month. What is also true is that when a man doesn’t get sex they can go indefinite periods of time without it. Some urologists would argue that regular sex is an important function of prostate health. While this is true to a certain degree, the body has many ways to compensate for not being sexual. No man has ever “exploded” because they haven’t had enough sex.


4. If men can't get enough sex from their wives, they will have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. This belief can be very dangerous and lead some men to very sinful extremes such as pornography and even affairs. We have found that some Christian men even use this belief to justify a habit of masturbating believing that “everybody does it” so it is the norm and nothing is wrong with it. It is true that most men, and even women these days, experiment with masturbation. While that is “normal” it is not normal to get involved in an ongoing pattern of doing it. Even those who justify it saying that they only think of their wife are misguided.
   
   It is true is that there is no reason to justify any kind of sexual acting out by a man. Husbands who blame their wife and use their lack of sexual passion as an excuse to do so are very misguided. God calls all men to be pure. There are spiritual disciplines that everyman can use to depend on God and not on sex. When a man uses scripture to demand that his wife “serve” him in sexual ways, he is guilty of a very angry form of spiritual abuse.


5. A man’s sense of self-esteem is directly tied to whether his wife will take care of his sexual needs. Even when a wife doesn’t feel like being sexual, she should submit so as to build her husband’s positive feeling about himself. A husband doesn’t really care that she isn’t fully present, as long as he gets his sexual needs met.
   
   Is that really what men want, to have their self-esteem tied into their sexual activity? We find that women who are truly only submitting and not enjoying sex, are really building up resentment that will have a very negative effect on the whole marital relationship.
   
   It is true that men can have self-esteem and that this should be based on his relationship to God and to others.


6. Emotional and spiritual intimacy will develop if a wife submits to sex. This last belief has adopted the standard of the world. Sex is the main thing. If couples have enough of it, their relationship will be much healthier. We even saw a news story recently of a pastor who asked the married couples in his congregation to have sex every day for a month. This pastor said that doing so would increase intimacy and decrease the divorce rate.
   
   How wrong can the order be? What is true is that God calls couples to be emotionally intimate first, best friends. In marriage, he calls them to be soul mates, a one flesh union. Then sex becomes an expression of it. That is the right order.

When we get the order of intimacy right certain passages of Scripture like Paul’s teaching in I Corinthians 7 and Romans 5 make more sense. We are called to marriage for many reasons one of which is to withstand the sexual temptations of the world. The way to do so is not to have lots of sex, but to be companions in the journey of intimate marriage. Being sexual in a marriage is always a matter of serving and being sacrificial, but as Paul also says in I Corinthians 13, we should never be demanding or seek our own way.

Finally, we do know that many couples struggle with sexual health and experience problems with dysfunctions and desires. Today, through there are many Christian counseling resources to help with those. The greatest enemy of sexual health in marriage is silence. If you are struggling as a couple, do what we did, speak up and be of enough courage to talk to someone and find help.

It probably wasn't the subject of your pastor's sermon last Sunday. And chances are, your dad never talked to you about it while you were growing up. But it's a painful issue for many Christian men out there.

Single men, in particular, wonder what they should do until they get married. They may even ask, "Isn't it better to masturbate and satisfy my natural desires in this way rather than some 'clearer' form of sexual sin?"

One of the challenges to answering these questions is that the secular world has been busy normalizing masturbation and dispelling negative consequences. (Though it really isn't true that you will go blind.) Many of us who have gone to counselors, even pastors, about our own masturbation habits have been told, "Don't worry about that! That's normal." It is true that the experience of masturbating is very common. Even babies touch themselves and find the experience to be pleasurable. Many adolescents stumble across the experience again when it has become orgasmic and find it both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. This is not sin, but normal curiosity.

The main challenge to answering these questions men ask is that the Bible never mentions the word masturbation. In the absence of a clear command, we should be careful that we don't heap undo condemnation where God never intended it. But there are some things that we should keep in mind.

While the Bible is not clear about masturbation, it is clear about lustful fantasy. In Matthew 5:27- 28, Jesus teaches that thinking about another woman lustfully is adultery. If you're looking to justify masturbation, you're going to have to ask yourself what you think about when you do it. Bringing yourself to orgasm while thinking about anyone to whom you are not married is, according to Jesus, adultery. Thinking about some sexual scenario and achieving an orgasm to those thoughts conditions you to what sex could be like. This is dangerous in that it sets up unrealistic expectations for what sex with your wife--or future wife--should be like.

Don't be self-righteous and think, "Well, I masturbate, but I only think about my wife. That isn't adultery." Do you think about actual past experiences, or do you project into the future: "Wouldn't it be great if she would only...."? Thinking this way only sets up unrealistic expectations and dishonors your wife.

Maybe in masturbating you're trying to correct frequency or sexual practice issues you have in your marriage. You may even find that when you masturbate you are angry with your wife because she isn't available in certain ways. Unhealed anger about these issues fuels vulnerability to all forms of sexual sin. Masturbating may even deprive your wife of your sexual availability to her.

Another point to ponder is that for many, masturbating leads to a certain form of "tolerance." The tolerance effect simply means that the more you do something the more you will eventually need to do it to achieve the same effect. An alcoholic knows, for example, that when he first starts drinking, one drink may be enough to get him drunk. After weeks, months, or years, a lot more alcohol will be needed to do so. This is because God has built into our bodies the amazing ability to adjust to whatever we put into it. Our bodies will eventually return to a state of normal. If we put something foreign into it consistently enough, however, the body will adjust what it considers to be normal to a higher level.

Sexual thinking causes a chemical reaction in the brain. That is what gives us the bodily response to achieve sexual intercourse and the pleasurable feeling that goes with it. Fantasizing about sex and achieving orgasm through masturbation creates this chemical reaction. If we masturbate enough, our bodies will adjust, and we will need to do it more to achieve the same effect. I have known men, in extreme cases, who started masturbating once a month or so when they were adolescents and by the time they came to me were masturbating multiple times per day. They are addicted to the brain chemicals created when they stimulate themselves in this way.

The tolerance effect can also mean that the sexual fantasy involved in masturbating will need to become more exciting, more provocative, and/or more dangerous. You may have found that your own sexual fantasies have become more elaborate involving new types of sexual activity or a constantly changing supply of imaginary sexual partners. You may not even have realized it, but your fantasy life may have become sinful in nature.

The friction of using your own hand or some other aid to achieve masturbation may also condition you to that level of stimulation. Believe it or not, this kind of conditioning may make it less likely that you will be stimulated by vaginal intercourse. Men who get into this kind of pattern may start experiencing sexual frustrations when they are being sexual with their wives.

If you understand the effect sexual fantasy and activity has on the brain, you can also understand that many of us have used the pleasurable feelings of sex to escape unpleasant feelings. You may have noticed that the times when you have most felt like masturbating are those times when you are lonely, tired, angry, frightened or stressed out. When we use masturbation or any form of sexual activity to achieve this kind of escape, we are depriving ourselves of more fulfilling and Christ-centered answers to those feelings.

Sometimes, the very sexual fantasies we use to masturbate may create imagined situations in which we are getting comfort, touch, love and nurture from imaginary others. Outside of the brain chemistry effect, these imagined relationships may give us a false sense of comfort for our feelings. In either case we are not truly looking for ultimately satisfying answers to our problems.

If you are seeking to end a struggle with chronic and addictive masturbation, remember that you are not alone. Your struggle is something that many men have faced. Nothing separates us from the love of Christ. Find fellowship with other men with whom you can be honest about your feelings. Take a risk to be vulnerable. If you're married, work on your emotional and spiritual intimacy with your wife. You don't need to be explicit with her about your sexual fantasies or masturbation habit, but you do need to tell her how you're feeling, how much you love her, and how much you need her.

We must come to realize that God intended sex for the one-flesh union of a man and woman in marriage. Paul teaches in Ephesians 5:31-32 that this union is like the relationship of Christ to the church. Ultimately, this means that any sexual activity between a husband and wife that is selfish is not Christlike in nature. Lust is selfish. Marital sex is not for the purpose of satisfying selfish desires. If that is all we are doing, we will never be satisfied. Masturbation, likewise, is never ultimately satisfying because it falls short of the incredibly satisfying nature of a spiritual union with a wife. With any of God's laws, He is not trying to spoil our fun, just trying to point us to something more fulfilling.

Like the relationship of Christ to the church, are you willing to die for your wife? If so, will you honor her and her body? So much of our Christian journey presents us with paradox. We surrender our life to Christ and receive eternal life. If you surrender your selfish sexual desires to Christ and seek to give to your wife, you will experience sexual fulfillment as He intended.

grace, n.

The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

There is no other doctrine, I believe, that is simultaneously the most difficult to understand and yet the easiest to receive than that of grace. Denominations are split over it, pastors argue about it, cultures ignore it, and only a few ever embrace it. Why is this one little word, this small, yet overwhelmingly powerful concept, so difficult to embrace?

I meet people every day who are weighed down by the burdens of life. Many of them have suffered abuse and terrible trauma in their histories. They were beaten, molested, used by others for sexual gratification and other unspeakable acts. They have scars and pain that runs deep. Most have since learned to use their bodies in some addictive manner to seek relief from this pain, only to realize that their addictions simply lead to more pain (for themselves as well as their friends and family). Their lives are then held up by many in the religious world as examples of decadent, self-indulgent living that Scripture clearly denounces. They are ridiculed, rejected, and run over by the very people entrusted to share the beautiful news of grace with them. Many of them already know God, but run to the dark corners of life in a useless attempt to hide from their shame.

What kind of response do you think I get from these individuals when I tell them that God loves them? Since many of these folks have grown up in religious circles, their response is often one of scoffing or disbelief. They snort, turning their head aside with a mocking grin stretching across their face, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm sure God loves a guy who cheats on his wife and regularly thinks of killing himself." It is as this point that I bring up the topic of grace.

"Yes, God does love that guy. And you know why?" I ask.

"Probably because He has to. He's God, after all."

"No, He loves that guy because He chooses to. He loves that guy because of grace."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you couldn't earn it, so you can't lose it. It's a love that is constant, pure, perfect, and eternal. And it matters not a wit what behaviors you commit as to whether or not it is given or present. Grace is a one way street of favor and love based solely on the prerogative of the one giving it. The only thing you can do with grace is reject it. And even then, it doesn't change."

About half the time, people want to hear more. Some, however, have been so hardened by the difficulties of life they choose to remain locked in their shame, unwilling to even entertain the notion that there is Someone who is constantly and perfectly in love with them - every minute of every day, regardless of how imperfect and broken their lives have become. Why is it so hard to embrace grace?

I believe you don't have to go any further than the definition of grace to understand why it is so difficult to fully embrace. Grace is defined as the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Let's break down this definition to see why grace gives us such trouble in our daily, broken lives. First, grace is freely given. No obligation, no payment for it, no way the person receiving it could demand it. It is freely given, not in a begrudging, obligatory manner like we see so often when human beings give gifts. We are prone to attach strings to our gifts, fully expecting a return on our "investment." Not so with grace. It is freely given, no strings attached. It is a gift that demands no response and expects no return.

Next, grace is unmerited favor. Unmerited simply means we don't deserve it and we can't earn it. Merit has to do with my abilities or giftedness. But grace never takes those qualities into account. They don't matter in the economy of grace. Whether the most talented or the wealthiest or the smartest or the strongest, grace never sees those characteristics. Neither does grace evaluate the most broken or most wicked or most abused as disqualifiers for receiving favor. It is unmerited. Grace is not given based on the "qualifications" of the one receiving it, otherwise it stops being grace and it becomes merely a wage, something earned or forsaken based on the merit of the individual. Finally, grace epitomizes the love of God. The Bible tells us that God is love. Love is an essential attribute of God, it is part of what defines and separates God as God. Perfect love, not defiled by sin or brokenness. His love does not waver or wane. And grace is the vehicle God uses to remind us of His perfect love, this one way street of undying, permanent affection the Creator has for His beloved creation, mankind. The Bible reminds us that God does not deal with us as our sins deserve, and that we can find salvation and eternal life through simple, childlike faith in the finished work of His Son, Jesus. And this salvation comes through grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

Unfortunately, this truth of grace is hard for many to embrace. It requires a humility that is unnatural. It means we must look in the mirror and say, "There is absolutely nothing I can do to earn favor with God. It is completely His work of loving me, redeeming me, and changing me because of His good pleasure, not mine. Grace is not about me, it is simply given to me." This is hard to say. We want to think we can bring something to the table when it comes to grace. We may believe we are saved by grace, but then falsely assume we must then work to "keep" God's favor afterward. But grace is grace. God doesn't change.

Another reason it is so hard to embrace grace is because we think it is limited. We believe we might be able to actually reach a point at which we have sinned so much or so grossly that God will eventually throw up His hands in exasperation and declare He is done extending grace to us. But if we believe this to be true, we have changed the definition of grace. Because, remember, grace has nothing to do with the merit or worthiness of the one receiving it. Grace is NOT about the recipient, it is about the Giver. One of the greatest deceptions that has entered the church is that a person could lose their salvation based on their behavior (i.e. if you sin enough, you will lose your salvation...or you probably weren't saved to begin with). Heresy, I say! This is just another way of bringing works (something I could do, or not do) into the equation that has nothing to do with grace. And it cheapens the magnificence of God's beautiful grace. It elevates man to a position of judge, determining another's salvation based on how well they are performing.

This is understandable, as the doctrine of grace is scary for a preacher to preach accurately. After all, it might mean there will be some carnal believers in his flock, thus displaying to the rest of the congregation that he has lost control of his church and they may choose to worship (and tithe) elsewhere. But God says that He will not lose a single one of His children, even the carnal son or daughter who continues to choose their will over His. Grace is freely given and never revoked.

Is this a hard truth? Yes. Is it an essential truth? Absolutely! God's grace has the power to change our lives into something beautiful, something of value in this life and the life to come. But we must always remember that it is HIS grace, beginning and ending as His gift, His favor, and His love. We are simply the wretched, undeserving sinner who happens to have the unspeakable joy of receiving such an unmerited gift.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound..."

Embracing grace,

jonathan

Traveling alone is dangerous! When men travel, they enter a dangerous territory where they can feel invincible and secretive allowing them to make bad choices. There is something about traveling alone that causes most men to feel larger than life and able to enter into dangerous situations that they would avoid at home. Evidence tells us that men struggle with keeping their marriage vows, staying healthy and faithful to their values and morals more when traveling than at any other time in their lives. But there are ways to stay safe and faithful to one's self as well as to one's spouse. Following are a few ideas to stay safe and faithful.

• Have a plan for the evening. Don't just leave it open and have unstructured unintentional time.
• Ask the front desk to disconnect the cable to your TV or unplug it yourself.
• Have a travel buddy who goes with you on trips overnight. It's worth the cost.
• Exercise at the hotel...it lowers temptation.
• Phone a support person other than your wife each day for accountability.
• Do not hang out in the lobby of the hotel nor go to the pool or spa.
• Do not visit the magazine stand at the airport or hotel.
• Have an emergency bailout plan...leave as if you are sick and go home.
• If temptation is high at the hotel, go outside, get active.
• Take healthy reading material or CD's or iPod to listen to. Recovery literature is good.
• Make intentional appointments with other men to do things with (this works at conventions).
• Avoid going to movies alone and don't go to any PG-13 or R rated movies.
• Avoid cruising around town with no agenda.
• Be accountable with your finances when traveling...tell your friend or wife how much you are taking with you, show them receipts. Be honest and transparent.
• Ask a friend to call you during the day and evening, then answer the call and talk.
• Take a picture of your family with you and put it in room, possibly on the TV.
• Avoid too much alcohol, do not eat at bars and don't linger at restaurants.
• Do not contact old acquaintances from previous romances by phone or in person.
• Eat healthy, sleep well. Go to sleep at your regular time or earlier.
• Work on projects with spare time. Avoid the laptop if it has been trouble.
• Take along a puzzle or game one person can do. Hundreds are available.
• Avoid drivenness, busyness, high stress and radical changes to your normal routine.
• Do not invite or allow any woman to be in your hotel room.
• Do not go into any woman's hotel room for any reason at any time.
• Buy a personal DVD player and watch healthy movies in your room.
• Write a continuing journal to your spouse/kids while away.
• Take quick showers and no baths.
• Do not get a massage when traveling.
• Always buy your wife and kids an inexpensive gift. The shopping trip is a good evening activity.
• Before traveling, find a SA or 12 step group at your destination and attend.
• Pray for strength, awareness and protection from God.
• Avoid caffeine at night as it keeps you awake which leads to trouble.
• Remember what has caused a relapse in the past and steer clear of it at all costs.
• Tell the truth about yourself. Don't make up stories or create a false identity with others.
• Avoid going ‘out with the boys or co-workers' unless you know their agenda is healthy for you.
• Read this list every day when traveling.

In 1850 Nathaniel Hawthorne published The Scarlet Letter, a powerful novel centered around the adulterous relationship of Hester Prynne and the highly respected minister, Reverend Mr. Arthur Dimmesdale. The fallen pastor, remorseful but not ready to face the consequences, asks the question, "What can a ruined soul, like mine, effect towards the redemption of other souls?—or a polluted soul, towards their purification?" He describes the misery of standing in his pulpit and seeing the admiration of his people, and having to "then look inward, and discern the black reality of what they idolize." Finally he says, "I have laughed, in bitterness and agony of heart, at the contrast between what I seem and what I am! And Satan laughs at it!"

Ruined, polluted, black reality, bitterness, agony. And perhaps, worst of all, Satan's laugh. These are just some of the consequences of sexual immorality in the life of one known as a follower of God.

I met with a man who had been a leader in a Christian organization until he committed immorality. I asked him, "What could have been done to prevent this?" He paused only for a moment, then said with haunting pain and precision, "If only I had really known, really thought through and weighed what it would cost me and my family and my Lord, I honestly believe I would never have done it."

Some years ago my friend Alan Hlavka and I both developed lists of all the specific consequences we could think of that would result from our immorality as pastors. The lists were devastating, and to us they spoke more powerfully than any sermon or article on the subject.

Periodically, especially when travelling or when in a time of temptation or weakness, we read through this list. In a personal and tangible way it brings home God's inviolate law of choice and consequence. It cuts through the fog of rationalization and fills our hearts with the healthy, motivating fear of God. We find that when we begin to think unclearly, reviewing this list yanks us back to the reality of the law of the harvest and the need both to fear God and the consequences of sin.

An edited version of our combined lists follows. I've included the actual names of my wife and daughters to emphasize the personal nature of this exercise. Where it involves my own lists of specific people's names, I've simply stated "list names" so the reader can insert the appropriate ones in his own life.

Some of these consequences would be unique to me, just as some of yours would be unique to you. I recommend that you use this as the basis for your own list, then include those other consequences that would be uniquely yours. The idea, of course, is not to focus on sin, but on the consequences of sin, thereby encouraging us to refocus on the Lord and take steps of wisdom and purity that can keep us from falling.

(While God can forgive and bring beauty out of ashes, that's a message to those who have already sinned...not to those who are contemplating sin! On the "front side" of sin we must not give assurances of forgiveness and restoration. We must put the focus where Scripture does—on the love of God and the fear of God, both of which should act in concert to motivate us to holy obedience.)

Personalized List of Anticipated Consequences of Immorality

• Grieving my Lord; displeasing the One whose opinion most matters.
• Dragging into the mud Christ's sacred reputation.
• Loss of reward and commendation from God.
• Having to one day look Jesus in the face at the judgment seat and give an account of why I did it.
• Forcing God to discipline me in various ways.
• Following in the footsteps of men I know of whose immorality forfeited their ministry and caused me to shudder. List of these names:
• Suffering of innocent people around me who would get hit by my shrapnel (a la Achan).
• Untold hurt to Nanci, my best friend and loyal wife.
• Loss of Nanci's respect and trust.
• Hurt to and loss of credibility with my beloved daughters, Karina and Angela. ("Why listen to a man who betrayed Mom and us?")
• If my blindness should continue or my family be unable to forgive, I could lose my wife and my children forever.
• Shame to my family. ("Why isn't Daddy a pastor anymore?"; the cruel comments of others who would invariably find out.)
• Shame to my church family.
• Shame and hurt to my fellow pastors and elders. List of names:
• Shame and hurt to my friends, and especially those I've led to Christ and discipled. List of names:
• Guilt awfully hard to shake—even though God would forgive me, would I forgive myself?
• Plaguing memories and flashbacks that could taint future intimacy with my wife.
• Disqualifying myself after having preached to others.
• Surrender of the things I am called to and love to do—teach and preach and write and minister to others. Forfeiting forever certain opportunities to serve God. Years of training and experience in ministry wasted for a long period of time, maybe permanently.
• Being haunted by my sin as I look in the eyes of others, and having it all dredged up again wherever I go and whatever I do.
• Undermining the hard work and prayers of others by saying to our community "this is a hypocrite—who can take seriously anything he and his church have said and done?"
• Laughter, rejoicing and blasphemous smugness by those who disrespect God and the church (2 Samuel 12:14).
• Bringing great pleasure to Satan, the Enemy of God.
• Heaping judgment and endless problems on the person I would have committed adultery with.
• Possible diseases: gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, and AIDS (pain, constant reminder to me and my wife, possible infection of Nanci, or in the case of AIDS, even causing her death, as well as mine.)
• Possible pregnancy, with its personal and financial implications, including a lifelong reminder of sin to me and my family.
• Loss of self-respect, discrediting my own name, and invoking shame and lifelong embarrassment upon myself.

These are only some of the consequences. If only we would rehearse in advance the ugly and overwhelming consequences of immorality, we would be far more prone to avoid it. May we live each day in the love and fear of God.

by Randy Alcorn, Eternal Perspective Ministries, 39085 Pioneer Blvd., Suite 206, Sandy, OR 97055, 503-668-5200, www.epm.org, www.randyalcorn.blogspot.com

Pornography use is a private matter. Perhaps the queen bee of lies about pornography, this is also the easiest to take down. For while consumption of the substance may be private (or not, as airline travelers and library patrons and others in the public square have lately been learning), the fallout from some of that consumption is anything but. 

Consider just a few examples from recent studies on people younger than eighteen. Adolescent users of pornography are more likely to intend to have sex and to engage in more frequent sexual activity. They are more likely to test positive for Chlamydia. Three separate studies have found among adolescents a strong correlation between pornography consumption and engaging in various sexual activities.

The exceedingly well-documented social costs of adolescent sexual activity, alongside the health costs now accumulating, alone torpedo the refrain that Internet pornography use today is “private.” Now consider a few more findings concerning adults rather than kids. At a November 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (comprising the nation’s top 1600 divorce and matrimonial-law attorneys), 62 percent of the 350 attendees said the Internet had played a role in divorces during the last year. In especially germane research not yet published, economists Kirk Doran and Joseph Price are examining data from the General Social Survey (GSS) to assess the negative impact of pornography on other aspects of marriage. They report that, among individuals who have ever been married, those who say they’ve seen an X-rated movie in the last year are 25 percent more likely to be divorced and 13 percent less likely to identify themselves as “very happy” with life in general.

Divorce, as everyone knows by now, is associated with a variety of adverse financial and other outcomes as well as with problems for children and adolescents affected by it. Here too, private behavior is clearly exacting public costs.

Yet with all due respect to the social science, not everyone needs it to know that pornography is more than just a private thing. Imagine your teenage daughter walking down the beach. Half the men on it have been watching sex on the Internet within the last few days, and half have not. Which ones do you want watching her? How can their “private” behavior possibly be said to be confined to home, when their same eyes with which they view it travel along with them everywhere else?

View entire article at: www.firstthings.com